i wish

i wish to have a gun

i wish to jump down from 15th floor

i wish to walk to horizon

then i see you

and i wish to live....

there after i live again..

a new day is what i wish for...

blogged...

i used to write a lot few years back.
i used to read a lot few years back.
i used to drink a lot few years back.
i used to rash drive a lot few years back.
i used to have black coffee a lot few years back.
i wasn't possessive few years back.

then priorities changed for good. i changed. i liked the change.

i don't classify myself to be a classical possessive. but again there are things in this world which you want to really hold onto - something so close to you that you think it's your propriety.

then there are days when you see loosing it to others.


those are the days when you come back and blog.....

come on you target...

i still believe in the sun at times when it doesn't rise; a sense of stubborn attitude- you know it is there for you but you don't see it. you don't know whether you want to or not to see it but you long for it.
n my jukebox croons " i believe in peace ; even when the war is riding.."

...n there is peace after the storm..never longed for a lullaby..

handicapped

there are those times when things r just not limited to one's capabilities. way beyond that lies the mirage of self assurance & promises.the whirlpool in between sucks in the sanity & all what remains is a limbo.the feeling of loosing it creeps in when one watches his soul being affected.all i wish is to be there; may be just a hug or a little kiss or just the comforting silence holding hands.

the person whom i hate the most is pseudo-me because i cant recognize him. the other side is a mechanical robot whom this side is controlling- or is it the other way round? i don't know what it is really worth for.i want to live the life of pseudo me. i hate myself doing what i don't know ,

then there is melancholy present times. the futile assurance of rosy future, the dreams of love & then the slap of realistic present--its all what it is all about.there is a price for everything.i don't know for what i am paying.


i wish i could have more some capabilities to soothe n lit up a smile...

the show must go on...

"a smaller pain goes unnoticed when there is a greater pain"


i don't know why ancient Greeks thought catharsis is so easy. at the end of the day, when things slip out of hand at the last moment, frustration do creeps in & eat away sanity. however the root cause analysis of bad luck is just more pain. one must own one's word even if they are not said.


 the wall will be spited upon, cursed, & kicked . however it will still stand there silently, supporting you in your bad hard times, let you lean against it, let you cry against it & save your back & push you to fight again.


i don't like to feel the thin ice. it makes me afraid. i search my guilt in its transparency. 


n then i see her.....


coincidentally, gilmor hums in the back " the show must go on...."

zindagi - once but twice or more

the egotist in me will always force to me to indulge in some "ME,ME" screaming as soon the cursor starts to blink in this box. the loyal follower of that egotist i.e me will obviously indulge. so here is what it is - i am not a filmy kind of a guy but bollywood at times throws tomatoes at me; squashed not pulped.

people say people mature as they grow older. the cynic in me disagrees.it's just the crazy diamond in them cease to shine. the lunatic sleeps off in the green grass & the inner self searches its past on the dark side of the moon. i guess that's what people say being responsible with life seems like. i am not complaining about it; i am being a critic.
the optimistic content guy in me puts it as something called stability in life. sometimes who meet some people & then that some people defines your life. you can't help it; u will let it to be as it is. time for one phase of your zindagi to make some space (or move out) for another phase of your zindagi. zindagi mil gayi dubara.you will eventually have a smile on your smile when you go to sleep every night- comfortably numb.

every one gets to relive one's life.if a dead reality like scams resurrect itself why can't an abstract case of one's mindset. things is not that different between an angry bull running behind you & you running behind the last bus to office in the morning;black and Blue-and who knows which is which and who is who.

this blog was meant to be a venting out zone of morbid monotony of my life. eventually, those unadulterated morbidity is lost.so, this blog remains as a lost diary. however, a time comes when you feel like writing. you are hypnotised to open the diary; reconciling with the lost soul in a fish bowl.

crossroads.....

there are those times when one wants to be just surrounded by oneself. don't want to look out or in.Staying numb-comfortably or with pain is then just another rhetoric question. adolescent may be a time of turmoil in life but it can be so predicatively indecisive as quarter life crisis.

then there are these "once & future cities" like kolkata & mumbai.you don't really know what to expect from them. they stand up for every possible cliches' in this world but yet they are vindictively unique. bangalore i can see you raising your hand for a high five but trust me you have no idea of what i am talking about. you are yet to grow up as a maximum city. nevertheless, i will always love your innocence. a high five to that.

frankly speaking i don't like my job. there are a lot of hypocrisy involved in a corporate scenario which at times make me feel dishonest to myself. yet my job pays for what i love doing. i am grateful to my job for that. keep those currencies coming to my pocket dear pseudo-ethical businesses.

talking about what i love doing, reminds me of a humdrum i was hearing few days back. i see people indulging to "learn" how to love more what they love. going out & out to be more romantic as they may call it; looking for some public recognition & then showing it off- does all this give the joy of creating as it did in those earlier days? i really don't know nor do i want to.

i hate artificial stuffs. it really pisses me off when we tend to disregard what we have & try to go for an changeover. all of you may accuse me to be a bore but i really can't help it; specially of those things which are really very close to my heart. the artificial makeovers may be no doubt beautiful but it takes away the charm & serenity of the original sensuality.

i think seeing all these i am tending to be more cynic day by day. i am getting inspired to be a ruthless critic of what i do; tyrannically sensor display what i love doing & only be contended with something which brings out "its F-awesome" as the first thing i can say.

all i realise, that i am standing in life's crossroad....

something more than it....

"i wish i could feel it,
i wish i could steal it...."

my jukebox has a very uncanny ability to shuffle songs judging my mood.it doesn't let me decide to go into the mood or flow out of it. it binds me to become a pseudo masochist. stability is all i want now;just tired of the neon lights around me screaming globalisation.seems like one moment just doesn't pass by.young lust is now more of a bitter-sweet symphonies.i still meet those zombies whom i had befriended few years back.now they remember me vaguely,meet me rarely but those visits have become more intense.does mood swings act possessive?

i think they do & at times very much.

all i feel after the send off they give me every time is saturated loneliness in this maximum city....

what if every one cared...

it is said one got to be fortunate enough to witness history. simultaneously the same one has to be equally unfortunate enough if he is the victim of that history.i don't know which category the egyptians will like to choose themselves. whatever be their choice, they will all agree at some point or other that their back was against the wall. eventually a turn around was about to come.

now this is what makes me ponder. why do we always got to have our backs against the cold wall? aren't the raging corruption,inflamation,scams,etc enough to point their middle finger right in front of our eyes?are we "educated,responsible,civilised" citizens blind?

i will wait for the day when egypt comes to india..

"what if everyone cared & no body cried...

....we will see the day when no body died..." (nickleback)

MOCKtale

ingredient 1 - people look down upon frustration & anger with a very negative perspective but i found them highly inspiring & creative at times.they are like the imaginary soul who kicks your ass when you are cornered and force you to counter.

ingredient 2 - expectation is comparatively a more holy soul than greed.it can be a huge personal weakness(like mine).it can vary from a macro need like a lump sum amount to a minor wish of a text or call from that special someone.

ingredient 3 - speaking of that special someone reminds me that the above ingredients must be blended well with possessiveness.now this ingredient is like a topping of your choice.just pick a reason or type of expression of being possessive.

ingredient 4 - however grown up we pretend to be;we are still that child deep inside.the fun starts when that kid inside starts to talk logic with the outer grown up.subconsciously we are very biased.

now mix these 4 with respect to the desired level of being drunk n get sloshed...

cheers!!!

euphemism

things do have a repetitive nature.for some people it's like a cycle of events;for some it's waves coming & going back & for some it's just repetition of the same mistakes, same goof-ups which result in more frustration, more despair & cumulative destruction of self-expectation. we do need to draw a line depending on our won capabilities..alas!!enlightenment happens when it gets branded as post-dated.


solitude is often necessary.it gives you an insight to yourself & things & people who are your own-self.distance do make things clear & comprehensible, make them stay & makes them feel cherished. i guess it requires enough mental maturity to understand & feel it. to me only a genius cracked brain can get its true flavour.years of dedication devoted in introspection, i guess.


there is an addiction in discovering the so-thought-already known aspects of life. it evokes real passion of exploring oneself.a wanderlust within one's brain..a mirage...so close yet so far...the distance beckons you....you wish you can just travel it in no time...& then you stand still & watch & smile..

Realistic Phantasmagoria

my final year project work is a real cocky shit. i really don't get it that why i landed myself in such a mess of rods & strings with my brain getting twisted rotating triangles in different planes.as if this was not enough,there is an world famous professor (some great Englishman; you can also find him in wikipedia) guiding us. i don't really understand any of his emails & whatever he speaks flies way above my head.
the thing i like about him the most is his personal library;what a collection old man!...i really envy you.

just a day ago, it was as they say it "love is in the air".but recession did play its brutal role & left a sad mark.i read the so called story in the last page of Bangalore times. some AXE deo is the cause of cupid loosing its job & killing flies. sad, really sad.i wonder what will happen to all those arrows when recession made axe more economic. i wish i could visit tiger woods yesterday to find out what he is preferring to use.

now this great golfer who always smiled & said "delivering performance" (accenture guys, sorry!!) has made new buzz popularly termed as fidelity.intellectuals all around the world are breaking their head debating on what is moral & what is mean? what's the big fuss guys?? just stay alone for some time & evaluate yourself on basis of what matters to you more..damn simple.

Socrates said once "when you really want something dearly as you want air, you will surely get it".recently i am getting a feeling that this line may be true. from minute wishes to life defining wants do happen if you really want them to.some may say its all because of recent movements of Jupiter & Venus, some may say Chinese tigers are very happy these day. all i will say is i don't know or want to know the reasons.i am happy.

today i watched the movie MY NAME IS KHAN. its really wonderful to see people mature.the old rahul-anjali growing upto rizwan-mandira of today.poignant performance & script;i must say.if you don't prefer bollywood masalas watch it.you will respect Indian cinema. it hurts to see certain people being so swallow that they don't the intended flavour & spend time by just cursing whats there beyond their grasp. fellas, i am not cursing you; just don't bulb like idiots. however i have a question. will Mr. president watch this movie? i think he should and also take care of his epiglottis.the best part is the movie takes credit of one indian thing which i way above its worldly peers..the desi slangs...."abbe teri *&^% ki..."

finally to all those religious fanatics,"un"moral polices & all those self proclaimed senas n samitis....you guys can RIP...

with memories n red wine...

we at times think ourselves to be self-confident & self-content. we plan for our future.we dream, we wish, we prioritise, we implement..so on & so forth. the irony lies in the fact "change is constant" & we are committed to prove this fact as the solemn universal truth. yeah, it is true that man is a product of circumstances but then how will do the product control??

as i am moving into a new year, i realised that i am indeed nostalgic. i am falling in love with my city kolkata once again. the smell of the city again mesmerises me. i am once again enjoying the chaos,metro rail rides and nearly everything of & about the city.i now do agree, company does matter.i will really miss cosy walks n holding hands in bangalore.

looking back, i felt that i subconsciously missed the city. i have never enjoyed a saraswati pujo & kolkata book fair like this year.the taste of paati aatlamo is still very refreshing..

i wonder if we could freeze time & enjoyable moments so that we dont feel lonely after they are gone.i wish there was an unlimited supply of red wine for me.all i can do now is borrow pink floyd..."wish you were here"....

a realisation just after midnight

poetry remains dormant when you are having a joy ride.it erupts only when you try to seek within yourself & try to find certain answers (rather recollect some old answers).it's something like searching your most precious possession in its old address.to me the most concerning thing in life is resurfacing of an unrealistic doubt.you know its unreasonable & totally illogical.then also you tend to succumb to it.you try to drown in your memories even when you know you can swim.the darkness deepens when feel and comfort fades away.all i want is myself to abide with me.tears have no bitterness. i know what i am saying is a heresy but i do abide with me.

covetous me

i saw a anti drug campaign poster in our college today.a nymphomaniac looking girl with piercings all around her face proudly proclaims that she don't do drugs.i had a good laugh seeing it.who cares if you do or don't nymph!!!!
well i am not a patroniser of doing drugs but i am doing it these days & i really feel like me.what i am exactly into is a kind of sugar; a very customised and personalised type.its like my own brand of cocktail of acid and heroine.it gives me a tremendous kick & helps me to seek within.i don't think i was so sure about what i wanted as i am now.only thing it has taken away from me is my ultra-reckless lifestyle.i don't dare to be fatal these days because this sugar clots my thoughts and senses.my best friend opines that i may be diabetic in long run.i simply put a cello tape on her lips- a blatant SHUT UP.
i am not gonna compromise on anything for my drug of life.so all those 'concerned' about me ,you guys can simply f*** off!!!


[n.s.- for all those morons who think i am taking brown sugar, peace off]

conscience hitters

they say "to err is human". i prefer it more like " to be belligerent is human".well we all can boast that we are the most sophisticated animals.now on the same line, we all know the perils and bliss of sophistication.let me give a simple example- a burning arrow in due course of time turned into sophisticated nuclear missile.all these correlative examples force me to conclude that a belligerent human is the most ferocious animal.

now the main point to contemplate is what's the best way to take revenge?you can go and shout or else have a physical dominance or just become too hostile to make the life of your adversary "memorable".however the most lasting and effective way is to hit the conscience of your "friend", then blast the respective ego and subsequently ruin the honorary life.

the most sophisticated mean of taking revenge has its own drawbacks like all sophistication's of human creativity.if your adversary has a strong hold upon him/herself and is clear to his/her conscious and also subconscious thoughts (pray he/she isn't like that), then the most effective weapon will definitely backfire with a greater impulse.only way to get out of its way is to flee temporarily ( or is it forever?)


however, we don't really give a damn to all this.we have a new weapon in our arsenal.we got to use it.its time for the society to hate its unorthodoxities.it's time to celebrate psychological manoeuvres and ego killings-as they say "game on...". i would prefer to brand it as "battle royale".

twister

in past 3 years, there is one thing which keeps on repeating in my life.at any point of time there is a chaotic mixing of my thoughts,deeds,life style,anectodes,brands i use,my hangouts and what all and what not.i don't understand if it is a mere coincidence or analogy or is it simply a big WTF??whatever it is i dont know how 2 express it.it is confusing,utter frustating but at the same time gives me some kind of flavour.

a recent thing that has happened to me is i am getting addicted to a specific brand of fruit juice -tropicana twister.oh great old monk!! please dont feel insecure.i still worship and adore you.i am so jobless and out of creativity that i am writing these shit loads...duh!!!!

one more year and i am going to graduate as an engineer.its time to feel proud and pat my back.i at times wonder that we will all graduate as some textual engineers with some blunt classroom teachings and sarcasms of our education system.we will be called as pillars of progress of human civilisation..damn it man!!!anyways we will all join in showing our white teeth wearing our black coats and throwing our black hat with a tail high up in the air.cheers to that!!!

nothing gets better when you come back home after being technically challenged for one more tiring semester and then being treated as a kiddo.good food, compliments fake warmth all around.however the comfort of being in my own city beats all this.i just enjoy being in kolkata.the smell of this city mesmerishes me.from my childhood i am a dedicated fan of pseudo bengali intellectualism and this city is the place where i can experience and enjoy it.


finally , thank you!!

(p.s- last line is from personal jesus)

IPL - Intentional Pun Limitless

straight over the head of ekta kapoor went the ball from lalit modi's bat for a six.welcome the new masala in prime time slot in stupid box for all ages in any indian home; this time from more scenic stadiums and less fanatic spectators. "Indian Premier League" was back, kicking behind all political, economical, brand-franchise issues. mr modi must be a relaxed man.this time he and his so called "glamours of the game" were far away from the stares of mr mutalik & his grandpas.cheers to intricate diplomacy of every one involved!!!

my "fair" horse this time was kolkata knight riders. this was not only because of the team management's involvement in everything but the game but also to see how mr buchanan messes it all up.after an unintentional win against kings, i also actively took part in gibberish discussions with my hostel mates analysing every dark and bright corners of this extravaganza.things turned out as predicted.my horse ended the carnival on top of the table (basically i was looking at the table upside down. come on guys- i am a loyal supporter).

however, the best part of this years madness for me is a particular blog - FAKE IPL PLAYER. that guy was the only one who could only spice it up with his jargon.the nicknames,sarcastic reviews and dressing room (& few other rooms also)updates were not in any way less interesting from hayden's ruthless crushing of opponent's bowlers.some more than 8000 followers of the blog can testify that the game was on in blogger also.

one thing i wonder at times is how these cricketers gain and loose their secrets in this period of time.(well they are sharing the dressing room after all).some overenthusiastic of this bunch at times mess up with their future prospect because of various "contributing factors".i hope force india f1 guys haven't seen this picnic.i at times feel pity for sutil or fisichella.jumbo n his guys r really lucky(mr. malya is prefering emotions over investment; nt bad!!!)


the carnival is over for this year.its time for a strategy break for a year.next year may be it will be back with some weirder innovations and surprises.that time i may pick up a pony instead a horse.

belligerent

things are meant to be like they are.then why do we wish they should change? the word expectation is really very dicey.depending on perspective,it is often deadly than terms like "greed" or "selfishness".it's not so simple to sing "goodbye, cruel worlds" always.if the domain of agnostic is limited only to god, then whats up for the mortal souls seeking comfort in each other's emptiness? at times the phrases "sweet sacrifice" and "sweet revenge" act as synonyms.


according to me,morbidity of copying something for the sake of faking happiness in life is the biggest crime."let there be light"- why the fuck should there always be light?if one arranges the words inhibition,premonition & clairsentient in any order,they will always depict the same thinking line.the moment the truth around us pokes its nose in our daily itinerary, we get pissed off.what if we stop hanging around the things we desperately want & rather consider every breath as the last one?


let every whisper be very loud....

one more day n still counting.....

pink floyd is god's greatest gift to me.i often wonder why i am so infatuated by it.well may be because it replies to each and every mood swings of mine; may be every pink floyd song asks the same question -" how are you different from the rest?"; may be because those sound mixing haunt me like anything else in this world....i really don't know. how can anyone be so true with expressions like "dark side of the moon", "what do you want from me?","dark sarcasms in the classroom","wish you were here","atom heart mother","comfortably numb"....the list can run down to infinity.
each one of them bearing the testimony of helplessness and pseudo intellectualism.

life often turns out to be very predictive.that's when,according to me, one starts asking questions. all the insecurities of life rushes to fill the comforting voids in the mind.we try to seek for those answers;the questions of which we never can think of.we expect people to read us the way we want but not the way they wish to. eventually it turns out in poetry mocking existence of one's thinking capabilities...bull shit....!!!!!!

looks are deceptive--that's what they say.well it never is.we turn out to be illiterate in reading the real face.then we accuse others and try to hide our in capabilities.however there is nothing wrong in this-human instincts after all.

i have a portrait of Che Guevara on the wall of my room.my hostel mates brand me as "bangali naxalite".i at times can't decide how to react to this one. i feel sad that an idea is being branded and iconised like this. moreover any revolution ;even if is a failure;must be respected.above all one can't claim to understand Marxism and its conjunctions with naxalism. i wish i could talk to those eyes just below the cap with the star.

the distress of life lies within the fact that anger is furnished in some dead blogs or in some dry poetry diaries..