i wish

i wish to have a gun

i wish to jump down from 15th floor

i wish to walk to horizon

then i see you

and i wish to live....

there after i live again..

a new day is what i wish for...

blogged...

i used to write a lot few years back.
i used to read a lot few years back.
i used to drink a lot few years back.
i used to rash drive a lot few years back.
i used to have black coffee a lot few years back.
i wasn't possessive few years back.

then priorities changed for good. i changed. i liked the change.

i don't classify myself to be a classical possessive. but again there are things in this world which you want to really hold onto - something so close to you that you think it's your propriety.

then there are days when you see loosing it to others.


those are the days when you come back and blog.....

come on you target...

i still believe in the sun at times when it doesn't rise; a sense of stubborn attitude- you know it is there for you but you don't see it. you don't know whether you want to or not to see it but you long for it.
n my jukebox croons " i believe in peace ; even when the war is riding.."

...n there is peace after the storm..never longed for a lullaby..

handicapped

there are those times when things r just not limited to one's capabilities. way beyond that lies the mirage of self assurance & promises.the whirlpool in between sucks in the sanity & all what remains is a limbo.the feeling of loosing it creeps in when one watches his soul being affected.all i wish is to be there; may be just a hug or a little kiss or just the comforting silence holding hands.

the person whom i hate the most is pseudo-me because i cant recognize him. the other side is a mechanical robot whom this side is controlling- or is it the other way round? i don't know what it is really worth for.i want to live the life of pseudo me. i hate myself doing what i don't know ,

then there is melancholy present times. the futile assurance of rosy future, the dreams of love & then the slap of realistic present--its all what it is all about.there is a price for everything.i don't know for what i am paying.


i wish i could have more some capabilities to soothe n lit up a smile...

the show must go on...

"a smaller pain goes unnoticed when there is a greater pain"


i don't know why ancient Greeks thought catharsis is so easy. at the end of the day, when things slip out of hand at the last moment, frustration do creeps in & eat away sanity. however the root cause analysis of bad luck is just more pain. one must own one's word even if they are not said.


 the wall will be spited upon, cursed, & kicked . however it will still stand there silently, supporting you in your bad hard times, let you lean against it, let you cry against it & save your back & push you to fight again.


i don't like to feel the thin ice. it makes me afraid. i search my guilt in its transparency. 


n then i see her.....


coincidentally, gilmor hums in the back " the show must go on...."

zindagi - once but twice or more

the egotist in me will always force to me to indulge in some "ME,ME" screaming as soon the cursor starts to blink in this box. the loyal follower of that egotist i.e me will obviously indulge. so here is what it is - i am not a filmy kind of a guy but bollywood at times throws tomatoes at me; squashed not pulped.

people say people mature as they grow older. the cynic in me disagrees.it's just the crazy diamond in them cease to shine. the lunatic sleeps off in the green grass & the inner self searches its past on the dark side of the moon. i guess that's what people say being responsible with life seems like. i am not complaining about it; i am being a critic.
the optimistic content guy in me puts it as something called stability in life. sometimes who meet some people & then that some people defines your life. you can't help it; u will let it to be as it is. time for one phase of your zindagi to make some space (or move out) for another phase of your zindagi. zindagi mil gayi dubara.you will eventually have a smile on your smile when you go to sleep every night- comfortably numb.

every one gets to relive one's life.if a dead reality like scams resurrect itself why can't an abstract case of one's mindset. things is not that different between an angry bull running behind you & you running behind the last bus to office in the morning;black and Blue-and who knows which is which and who is who.

this blog was meant to be a venting out zone of morbid monotony of my life. eventually, those unadulterated morbidity is lost.so, this blog remains as a lost diary. however, a time comes when you feel like writing. you are hypnotised to open the diary; reconciling with the lost soul in a fish bowl.

crossroads.....

there are those times when one wants to be just surrounded by oneself. don't want to look out or in.Staying numb-comfortably or with pain is then just another rhetoric question. adolescent may be a time of turmoil in life but it can be so predicatively indecisive as quarter life crisis.

then there are these "once & future cities" like kolkata & mumbai.you don't really know what to expect from them. they stand up for every possible cliches' in this world but yet they are vindictively unique. bangalore i can see you raising your hand for a high five but trust me you have no idea of what i am talking about. you are yet to grow up as a maximum city. nevertheless, i will always love your innocence. a high five to that.

frankly speaking i don't like my job. there are a lot of hypocrisy involved in a corporate scenario which at times make me feel dishonest to myself. yet my job pays for what i love doing. i am grateful to my job for that. keep those currencies coming to my pocket dear pseudo-ethical businesses.

talking about what i love doing, reminds me of a humdrum i was hearing few days back. i see people indulging to "learn" how to love more what they love. going out & out to be more romantic as they may call it; looking for some public recognition & then showing it off- does all this give the joy of creating as it did in those earlier days? i really don't know nor do i want to.

i hate artificial stuffs. it really pisses me off when we tend to disregard what we have & try to go for an changeover. all of you may accuse me to be a bore but i really can't help it; specially of those things which are really very close to my heart. the artificial makeovers may be no doubt beautiful but it takes away the charm & serenity of the original sensuality.

i think seeing all these i am tending to be more cynic day by day. i am getting inspired to be a ruthless critic of what i do; tyrannically sensor display what i love doing & only be contended with something which brings out "its F-awesome" as the first thing i can say.

all i realise, that i am standing in life's crossroad....